Lucie and Charlie

Name: Lucie

Child: Charlie, 14 mths

Expectations of Motherhood: I guess I didn’t really have any expectations of motherhood – I had no experience of babies whatsoever and could count the number of times I had held a baby on the fingers of one hand (1,2,3…yep, that was it), I had never changed a nappy, never been left alone with a baby, never helped to dress or bath or feed a baby. I think it’s fair to say I was utterly clueless. I knew it would be hard work, intense and tiring (although I had no idea just how hard work, intense and tiring!) and I was terrified by the ‘foreverness’ of having a child. There is no changing your mind, no going back, no half measures – once they are here, they are going to be around for the rest of your life and that’s a frightening prospect. Of course, once they arrive, the thought that they might not be around for the rest of your life is even more terrifying. 

The Reality of Motherhood: My partner Dave had been broody for a while and, whilst I had never really considered myself particularly maternal, I always saw myself having children at some point in the future. We adopted a very casual approach of ‘when it happens, it happens’ and we were really lucky that it happened very quickly - although finding out three days before we were due to go to Glastonbury was less than ideal to say the least(!). I think I had the most sober festival experience in human history and was in bed by 9pm on the Saturday night (rock & roll, eh?) My friends all wondered what the hell was wrong with me but as it was such early days, I didn’t want to jinx it by telling people (call me superstitious…). Other than me and Dave, my sister and her boyfriend were the only people there who knew – my sis helped me with my ruse by buying me pints of lemonade and orange juice so it looked as though I was partaking in the Glasto mandatory standard, pear cider! Looking back, fainting spectacularly whilst dancing to Paul Simon may have been something of a give-away. 

While I was pregnant I constantly stroked my bump – that feeling of love and protection was immediate and intense. I felt so proud of my body and loved the private little world I was sharing with my growing baby. People seemed friendlier in general, more helpful and chatty, and I enjoyed the slight nod of solidarity that I exchanged with fellow mums-to-be on the street. But alongside this sense of wonder, excitement and love, I also felt I was operating on a level of heightened anxiety – the worry of something going wrong was, for me, far more exhausting than the physical changes of pregnancy. 

I was six days overdue when my contractions started and everything went according to plan, until a few hours later when I was rushed to hospital with a scary bleed. In the rush my birth plan went all to pot – I forgot my phone (containing my hypnobirthing mantras and music), and the bleed meant that the birthing pool was out of the question (somewhat to Dave’s relief, who was dreading having to use the “poo-catching net” of water-birth lore – yeah, thanks very much whoever told him about that). In the rush to leave the house we’d also forgotten the baby bag, so when Charlie was born he was swaddled, Baby Jesus-like, in hospital-issue blankets. It didn’t do me many favours in the Mother of the Year category when the midwife noticed I had remembered to bring THREE bags of my own clothes, either.

The labour itself was relatively straightforward and I got through on just gas and air. The pushing stage did seem to last a very long time, though – and I had an unfortunate experience with a less-than-tactful doctor (amongst myriad excellent hospital staff) who marched in, barked at my midwife to ‘JUST CUT HER!’, and marched out again. Talk about bad bedside manners. The best physical description I’ve heard of giving birth came from my best friend, now a mum of two, who when pressed to describe what it actually feels like (an impossible question, but you can’t help but ask) said: ‘It’s just like doing a massive poo.’ And, in a way, it is. 

Charlie was born at 2:15am – exactly 24 hours and 7 minutes after my first contraction. As he was plopped on my chest, I fell in love instantly - He was absolutely perfect other than a slightly pterodactyl-esque head shape (luckily a temporary result of the series of tight turns that marked his journey into the world). After about five minutes, he tilted his head up and latched himself on for his first feed - I had been worried about whether this would come naturally to me, but he knew exactly what to do! At least one of us did.... 

Dave left a few hours later to get some much needed sleep and I was left in the delivery suite with my son. My son. My son. My son. You have 9 months to prepare yourself, but it still feels most surreal when it actually happens. I tried to shower but was bleeding too much and left the bathroom looking much like the famous scene in Psycho. I remember trying to mop up the blood with loo roll whilst feeling like I was about to pass out before giving up and apologising profusely to the midwife. 

After a while we were taken up to the ward. I couldn’t sleep a wink that night. I was terrified that he would wake up and I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with him.

The next morning, breakfast was brought and I asked for tea and bran-flakes. The rather brusque midwife left these just out of reach on my tray table. As I’d had a stitch (not to mention a baby) mere hours earlier, it was painful to move and as I watched my tea go cold and my bran-flakes go soggy, I suddenly felt like bursting into tears. It was all too much. How could I do this? I felt hopelessly out of my depth already. At exactly that moment, Charlie started to stir and I suddenly realised I had a choice. I could either fall apart, or I could dig deep, realise that this tiny person was entirely dependent on me, and step up to the mark. I popped to the loo, brushed my teeth, had a wash and changed my clothes. I emerged a different woman and felt genuinely excited and ready for this new chapter in my life and all of the uncertainties, challenges and adventures that lay ahead.

Taking your child home for the first time: We were able to go home later that day, although lack of food and loss of blood meant I almost fainted carrying Charlie out of the main hospital entrance. I managed to hand him to Dave in the nick of time - it’s not a very good start to motherhood: dropping your baby before you have even left the hospital. It took 15 minutes to fit the car seat (note to future parents: put the car seat in before you have the baby) and then Dave drove home so carefully (waiting ten minutes before right turns, hands at ten-to-two on the wheel etc) I felt as though I was sitting in on his driving test. When we got home, our three cats came for a quick sniff of the new family member and our biggest cat Fletch went to sleep in the pushchair, which set the tone for much (ongoing) territory-marking. It took us three weeks to name Charlie – which shouldn’t have been surprising given that it once took me three months to name my cat and she ended up “picking” her own (well, it was the piece of paper her paw touched first) from the shortlist. His middle name was easy and had been picked pretty much as soon as we found out we were expecting a boy at the 20-week scan – Frank, after my Dad. 



Best Advice: Trust your body. It sounds a bit hippy, but it knows what it needs to do at every stage. Throughout my pregnancy and labour I was constantly amazed that my body could produce and provide everything that this baby needed to grow and develop into an actual mini human. It still blows my mind when I think about it. Ain’t nature great?!
Try to make time for yourself. Even if it’s just ten minutes a day and remember who you are. Becoming a Mum is an incredible experience. It does change your life but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself or your identity. 

NEVER GOOGLE YOUR CHILD’S SYMPTOMS. 

Worst Advice: “Trust your instincts.” Okay, so I know this one is controversial and I’m sure that tonnes of people have had this as their best advice. I agree it’s a wonderful idea in theory, but what do you do if, like me, your instincts are predisposed to hysteria?! When every cough is the start of tuberculosis, every rash is the onset of meningitis, every bump to the head is a serious concussion waiting to set in... I know, I know, these are my neuroses and I have to (and am trying to) deal with them. I just get frustrated when people tell me to “trust my instincts” because I honestly don’t think I can, and it makes me feel as though I’m failing at the most basic level of motherhood.

Other worst advice, “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” He didn’t! 

The best things about being a mother: Unconditional love both ways. It really is like nothing else I have ever experienced - loving and being loved so whole-heartedly, so completely, without reserve, question or judgement. I know it’s a cliché but when he looks at me and smiles, everything is truly right with the world. 

Seeing traits of the people I love in him. Sometimes he’ll grin at me (usually whilst doing something mischievous that he knows he shouldn’t be!) and I’ll just see Dave’s face looking back at me or he’ll be snoozing on the sofa, a perfect, miniature version of my Dad, his Pops. He has inherited the deepest, bluest eyes from my Mum and Sister, and when he shrugs and rolls his eyes, he is suddenly his eldest cousin. The person I love most in the world reflects the people I love most in the world and that is a wonderful thing. 

Seeing how excited he gets about the simplest things is helping me to appreciate them afresh. All of the things I had been taking for granted or had stopped noticing years ago, I am suddenly seeing again. It is both humbling and inspiring to rediscover the world through his eyes. 

Spending time with him – he is genuinely a cool and funny little guy. He has a cracking sense of humour and makes me laugh out loud on pretty much an hourly basis. 
I love daydreaming about who Charlie will be, what he will do, what will excite, inspire and amaze him. The whole world lies in front of him just waiting to be explored. So many wonderful discoveries and untold adventures await him and I hope he will experience, embrace and enjoy it all. 

The worst/hardest thing about being a mother: Constant worry, particularly about his health. I sometimes feel that I lurch from one paranoid obsession to the next: from 0- 6 months it was SIDS; from 6-12 months, meningitis; since 12 months (now he has learned to run and climb), it’s head injuries I fear the most. 

Early mornings. 7am is a good lie-in these days. On the bright side, I suddenly have so many more hours in my day and feel as though I’m much better at managing my time and making the most of every minute that I do get to myself. 

It’s relentless! All day and all night, every day and every night, although we are really lucky that my family live close by and are happy to help out to give us a much-needed break. 
The immense responsibility is sometimes overwhelming. 

Has being a mother changed you?: Yes and no. I’m still the same person I was before I had Charlie, but with a few tweaks. I’m Charlie’s Mum and I am immensely proud of that, but I’m still Lucie - and that’s really important. Motherhood has changed me in the respect that I’m now much better at putting things into perspective and not sweating the small stuff. I also have a better work/life balance than ever. Being a mother is the most important thing in my life and Charlie comes first, but that doesn’t (and shouldn’t) mean that nothing else in my life matters. For me, being a good mother is about being able to balance all the different elements of your life and give each the right amount of time and energy to keep everything on an even keel. I don’t always get it right but I try. 

Hopes for your growing family: 
In no particular order: 
That Charlie learns to stroke the cats gently rather than demonstrating his love by grabbing fistfuls of fur and pulling their tails. 

That as a family we remain happy and healthy and strong and supportive for one another. 

I want to make Charlie proud of us as his parents. We don’t necessarily need to be best mates but if he grows up thinking his folks are alright, that’ll do me. 

That Charlie is happy in his own skin. 

That he is kind, caring and courteous but not too preoccupied with what others think of him. 

A sibling for Charlie… but not just yet (!). 

Advice for New / Expectant Mums: There is no ‘right’ way. There is no magic book that has all the answers and will, if followed to the letter, guarantee a happy, healthy, socially confident, well-balanced, polite and resourceful child who sleeps through the night from two weeks, eats a healthy and well balanced diet and never cries. Sorry. 

The truth is we are all just bumbling our way through, trying to do the best we can and find the things that work for us and our family. Sometimes it would be amazing to just have the answers handed to you but in the main, one of the most rewarding things about motherhood is finding your own way through a tricky situation and coming out of the other side. 

You don’t need to buy everything the adverts tell you to – I was something of a marketing person’s dream. I despair of the number of things that remain in their boxes to this day...
That said, if you are planning to breastfeed and prefer to cover up, I would highly recommend buying a breastfeeding shawl (I opted for a Baby BuBu poncho style one with press studs so it fastened securely) My life changed after I bought it and suddenly feeding in public was a far less daunting prospect. 

Go on a baby and children first aid course. Hopefully you’ll never need to put it into practice but the confidence and peace of mind it gives you is priceless. (www.milliestrust.com is an amazing charity that offers free / reasonably priced courses across the country)

Nicola and Douglas

Name: Nicola 
Child: Douglas, almost 3 (and 16 weeks pregnant with 2nd child)
Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations were that of most people I think: that it will be easy enough, it won't change your life and you will ensure the baby fits in with you etc, etc. 

Haha! How silly I was! 

Babies are like little whirlwinds of chaos at first! I didn't expect being a mother to be so rewarding however. I also expected that I'd be a mother who stayed at home 5 days a week with her children with no desire to work again. Again, that's not really what happened.

Reality of Motherhood: This will sound negative to start with, but it is the hardest and often most thankless task in the world. The relentless tiredness in that 1st year of Douglas' life was something no-one could ever have explained to me beforehand. While in it you cannot see the wood for the tress. 

Occasionally the fear of being responsible for this little person's wellbeing and their future was overwhelming, especially in the early days. However, being a mother is so rewarding and the joy you feel when your child does something new and exciting, or tells you they love you, is not even remotely comparable with anything else in life. It has taught me how to have endless patience, which I didn't know I was capable of (and can only be a good thing). It has given me a love that is so overwhelming it can still make me cry now just thinking about it.

For me I could not be the stay at home mum I had hoped to be (and had put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be). Once my little boy was 1 I realised that I had to have something else too, and so I went back to my wedding accessories business that I had set up just prior to having him.  I think this makes me a better mum as I really look forward to the days I have with him and also look forward to work (which is often a lot easier than childcare!). 

I can deal with this decision now, but at the time felt a huge amount of guilt for wanting to be something other than Dougie's mum. I really believe women get a hard time these days whether they choose to go back to work, have to go back to work, or choose to stay at home. You can't win no matter what you do, someone always has an opinion on it. Usually other mums!

I also have made some amazing life-long friends since having Dougie and I think it has been really important for me to have this support network. No-one can understand motherhood like someone else going through the same thing at the same time as you. 

I liken being a mother to being at university in freshers week. You meet lots of other mothers after you've had a baby and the one thing you have in common is a baby (when at uni it is being at uni), but understandably you won't get on with them all. Within a few weeks you work out who are your real friends. 

Generally my experience of other mums has been positive, but I do know of people who have not had such a positive experience. I think it's really sad that some women can be so horrid to other women when they should be supporting each other.

Taking your child home for the first time: For me this was a bit of a blur. I had a planned C-section with Dougie as he was breach, and so all I can really remember is slowly shuffling along endless hospital corridors and then the same into my house (1st floor flat unfortunately). I felt rather like an invalid and was constantly in a lot of pain (it went soon enough though). 

I remember us driving very slowly to the house and playing a song called "Douglas" by a band we like, and me mostly crying all the way home!

The best/worst advice: 

The best advice I was given was to, "Enjoy these moments as they pass".

The worst advice comes from people interfering when you are trying to get on with your daily life - eg. when you're shopping in Sainsbury's and someone tells you, "He doesn't need a dummy," or something equally as ridiculous, and frankly it is none of their business. You become public property as soon as you are pregnant and this seems to continue into motherhood.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me this is now a lot easier, but for a very long time I just found it so hard to trust my instincts. I was always worried about WHY he was doing something and WHY he had changed his patterns. Now I see there is no rhyme or reason and you cannot control things, so it's just best to not analyse things too much. They are just babies and they do weird things and have no manual.

Oh and of course the tiredness- I am always always tired and have just accepted that I will always be now.

The best parts of being a mother: There are a million things, I can't really put this into words. At the moment probably the fact that Dougie makes me laugh about every ten minutes! He is like a little best mate to hang out with and have chats with (usually about nonsense). 

When they tell you they love you, when they do something to make you so incredibly proud, when they wake you up at a reasonable time in the morning (not 5am!) by coming to the side of your bed and stroking your face. I think having a reason to be rather than just being you is the best thing.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt. I thought I knew who I was and I think I really have only discovered this since having Doug. Sometimes you have to change too for the good of your child. There were things I looked at in myself that I wanted to change in order to make life better for him. For example learning to be braver, as I want him to experience things in life and not be scared of stuff!

Hopes for your family: Just health and happiness. We are so excited to meet the new baby in October. We don't mind what this next baby is (Dougie is adamant it is a boy called Donald though?) and we won't find out as we both like a surprise.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: 

Be kind to yourself. 

I wasn't last time and hope I will be this time! And you really do know best - it takes time to realise that, but you do. Instinct is an amazing thing.

Nicola makes wedding accessories which can be found here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/nicolawellard 

http://www.silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe.co.uk/
http://silversixpenceinhershoe-nicola.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/Silversixpence1
http://www.facebook.com/pages/silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe/243610077016

Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....

Sarah and Oliver

Name: Sarah

Child: Oliver, Age 2

Location: Altrincham

Expectations of Motherhood: From a young age I knew one of my ambitions in life was to have a family, and at 25 we decided we wanted to start planning for a baby of our own. I had lots of worries initially about becoming pregnant, mainly due to other horror stories I had heard or been told. How would I cope putting on weight? Will I cope with morning sickness? Will I cry lots? Will I go shopping and leave my baby in a changing room? Will I know what to do??? .....To help with all my worries I insisted my mum bought me a book to help teach me what to do (very naive!).

We were both under the impression that it could take us a couple of months to a year to conceive, mainly due to a few of our friends having difficulties. To our surprise I was pregnant within the first two months of trying and therefore felt very blessed.

It was strange; I didn’t feel any different. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who wouldn’t suffer from morning sickness. How wrong was I! At around 2/3 months I was sick religiously every morning as soon as I woke up, but felt back to normal straight away. That was unless I ate my favourite foods - curry and pizza - but I soon learnt it was best to steer clear of them for the remainder of my pregnancy. After a month or so my morning sickness passed and the rest of my pregnancy was perfect, luckily I had no problems at all and bloomed!



We decided we couldn’t wait for 9 months to find out the sex of our baby, so jumped at the chance to find out during our scan. I had my heart set on having a baby girl, so when we were told we were having a boy I wasn’t sure how to feel. However, seeing him move around during the scan I instantly fell in love and felt so lucky to have such a healthy child.

Reality of motherhood: I couldn’t bring myself to write my ‘birthing plan’, I didn’t know what I wanted or how I would cope with the pain? I decided to leave it for a while and maybe I would have more of an idea nearer the time. The idea of taking lots of drugs made me nervous in case I would embarrass myself, or if they made me sick. Oh, and I hate needles!

Everyone I bumped into advised me that I would be overdue and would need inducing as my bump hadn’t dropped, and I agreed due to the feet constantly digging in to my ribs. So when my waters broke a week early at 6am, I cried with shock... I still hadn’t written my birthing plan, but it turned out that it didn’t matter.

Having the perfect pregnancy was no indication that I was going to have a smooth labour and delivery, to my disappointment. I coped well with the pain using a tens machine (best invention ever!) and gas and air but it became clear after 22 hours of labour and lots of pushing that I needed help to deliver. I was then taken out of my lovely birthing room with a pool and pretty lights, into a very sterile delivery room, full of people! Looking back it makes me cringe thinking about how many people were stood discussing my private parts and what to do to help me, I don’t even like getting undressed in front of my own mother!

At the time I was so tired that I wasn’t too upset when I was advised I needed an episiotomy and Ventouse delivery (although I soon wished I had pushed a lot harder!). Oliver was finally delivered and the first words out of the surgeons mouth was ‘BIG BABY!’, I just remember thinking, 'wow he has massive thighs!'

After a lot of pain and a few hours sleep I bonded instantly with Oliver and felt like I knew what I was doing.. What was I worried about? 

I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking, 'this is easy', but it didn’t last long. After the midwives insisting, ‘breast is best’ I didn’t want to let anyone down and gave it a try. The ward nurses were not much help when I expressed concern that Oliver was feeding for a long time (hours) and still didn’t seem satisfied. I was told, ‘Oh it’s normal’, but after the first weigh in at home, we realised I wasn’t able to give Oliver enough milk and that we needed to bottle feed, which explained the 48hours we'd had with no sleep. I instantly felt anger at the midwives who'd initially brainwashed me into breastfeeding, and the ward nurses that I'd asked for help.

It quickly hit us how rough sleep deprivation was, and suffering with low iron and pain it was a hard few days. Why oh why do they not tell you about what happens after delivery in your antenatal classes?

As soon as we started to bottle feed Oliver he seemed a little more content, but we were still convinced that something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put Oliver down without him screaming, I learnt how to go to the toilet/eat meals/wash-up, all whilst holding a baby. His symptoms got worse towards around two months; he would scream for milk and then scream even louder after an ounce. We spent hours researching his symptoms and ruled out colic, but as soon as I read the symptoms for Reflux, I knew instantly that is what he had. After one tearful Sunday morning for both me and Oliver, I decided enough was enough, and we drove him to A&E. Finally after a few nurses trying to convince us he had colic and it was ‘normal’, a lovely doctor listened and diagnosed silent reflux. Two or three days later on Gaviscon we had our perfect settled baby back!

Now this was sorted and under control we started to build a routine and settled into our family life. Oliver quickly adapted to our strict routine and luckily slept through from 3 months, and more often than not we would have to wake him in a morning.

Our first year after all the initial troubles was amazing, we didn’t have to change our lives too much as Oliver just fitted in around our lives. Again we came back down to the reality of parenthood with a bang when it was time for me to start back at work and Oliver at nursery. The germs hit hard! After 26 years of avoiding tonsillitis, Oliver kindly passed it on to me. As a mother you don’t have time to be ill, so after the third throat infection and numerous blood tests to find out why I was so ill I was signed off work for a week. In between dealing with my illnesses we had a scare with Oliver, who was rushed into hospital as a gland in his neck had got infected and they needed to give him antibiotics quickly through a drip. From this moment on he was poorly every other week for around 3/4 months - the staple part of his diet felt like antibiotics.

Taking your child home for the first time: The 15 minute journey home felt like the scariest drive we had ever been on (even though we probably drove about 10 MPH the whole way back). We avoided every single pot hole and drove the long way round to avoid all the speed bumps. We made it home safely! The walk from the car into our home felt like I’d run a marathon and I instantly broke down in tears as soon as we made it to the front door. Looking back I think these were more tears of relief to be home (and baby blues) rather than the pain.

We made a conscious decision to spend our first couple of nights in the lounge for a number of reasons which now seem a bit more neurotic rather than sensible. We were luckily enough to have my mother who spent the first week with us, cooking, cleaning and offering support. I was therefore able to try and concentrate on looking after my health and catching the odd few hours sleep whilst I knew Oliver was being watched over.

The midwife advised that due to the lack of milk, Oliver was becoming jaundice. We were convinced he was a ‘nice’ colour, looking back at pictures we realise his nice tan wasn’t from spending a week or so in the Maldives. I was unable to go out for his first outing to get some fresh air and sun light and this broke my heart. After being so close to your baby for 9 months and then giving birth, the feeling when you have to let go for an hour or so is the worst in the world initially, but it soon gets easier.



The best advice: Without a doubt this has to be from a colleague at work (mother of three), make sure daytime is noisy/bright and night times are quiet, low lit and no fuss. You hear horror stories of baby’s routines getting mixed up; awake all night and asleep all day. We were determined that this was not going to happen to us, and so we started a routine from day one of being home. Our night time routine was the same each night - bath, bottle in a quiet room with no fussing, then bed. After a while it paid off and to this day we have had no issues with Oliver waking at night and wanting to play.

Also, a health visitor advised me at around 3 months to ensure we put Oliver in bed awake, so he can learn to fall asleep himself. This was hard for a while due to reflux preventing us from laying him down straight after a bottle, and most newborns tend to fall asleep straight after a bottle. By 5 months we were confident that the reflux was under control and that we needed to teach Oliver to go to sleep alone in bed. This involved a tough few weeks of training, sometimes hours stood on the landing in and out of his room, but he quickly grasped the idea and bed times are now fun and easy (well until you have to chase them round the bathroom to get a nappy on).

I worry sometimes that we have been a little too strict with routine as Oliver does show quite strong OCD tendencies. He cannot stand to have any dirt on himself or clothing and loves to clean! If we don’t clean his hands quick enough when he requests, there can be tears. He has become that fussy he has even got out of the bath due to a floating piece of fluff. A lot of time lately has been spent trying to teach him that you can get messy and still be okay (lots of finger painting).

Another (sorry I have a few), is to go to an antenatal class. I had a great support group from the ladies I met during my classes, and two years on we still meet regularly with and without our babies. Speaking to other mums helps you quickly learn that what you are going through is normal and that they are going through the same thing.

Worst advice: Books... no book can tell you how your child should act, what times they want milk and how you should feel. My first worries about not knowing what to do were the same things all mothers-to-be feel, but as soon as you hold your baby you know instantly what to do. You quickly learn what each cry or moan means and how to deal with it best.

Breastfeeding – Don't be forced into something you are not comfortable doing, of course it has its benefits but if it makes your life hell you need to decide if that’s how you want to spend the first 5/6 months.

The hardest parts of being a mother: This has to be the feeling of when your child is upset or hurt. The instinct you instantly have to protect them from anything is astonishing; the first few tears you share with them, but then soon you learn they need your reassurance and love rather than a blubbing wreck. I think because I’m so strong around Oliver now I cry at the slightest thing when he’s not around, usually One born or Eastenders.

When Oliver first started walking/running I used to hover round his every move to be there if he fell. I’ve now realised that I won’t always be there to protect him and therefore he needs to learn how to deal with different situations himself. If he falls over now and isn’t hurt, he quickly gets up, wipes himself down and carries on.

The best parts of being a mother: Above all the love you feel for them and seeing how they feel for you. Our family now is so close and we all rely on each other for everything. One of the best feelings is becoming a family - just the 3 of us. Everything feels complete now. Life before Oliver was amazing, but with Oliver it’s even better. I cannot describe how proud we feel watching our child as he grows and develops; it has also been great for us seeing the world from his tiny eyes. Watching the joy on his face when he masters how to do something or sees something or someone he loves.

I always knew I would be a good mother, but I don’t think I knew just how much I would love just hanging out with him. He has turned into my best friend and never fails to brighten my day with his smiles, hugs and sloppy kisses. Everyday he does something new that shocks us or makes us giggle. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile and say, ‘he’s amazing isn’t he?’ still unsure how we both made such a social, loving, kind and funny young man.

Has becoming a mother changed you: I’m sure everyone will answer yes to this, it has to.... it’s a massive lifestyle change, going from spending all your free time in the pub, to staying home and worrying about someone other than yourself. I used to live for the weekend to go out with our friends, but now I can’t wait to get into my PJ's and snuggle on the sofa, or play football in the park.

Hopes for your family: My main hope is that we all stay healthy and happy and carrying on enjoying life. We are quite relaxed about the future at the moment, and are on a bit of an adventure. Every day is so different and with us being in the ‘terrible’ two’s stage we are never bored (although it’s not been too terrible so far, touch wood). We would like to have a sibling for Oliver, but want to enjoy our time with him until he’s ready to share our love. One of my main hopes is that we always have a strong bond and we continue to be best friends.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust your own instincts, don’t put any extra pressure on yourself by reading books or worrying about what they should and shouldn’t being doing. Your child will grow in their own time with your support and nurturing.

Having a child is going into the unknown for most families and that is part of the fun, you will find your own way and find what works for you. You may have bad days when you question everything and everyone, but it’s more rewarding than you will ever imagine. The love you feel for them is boundless.

Little tips - buy a practical changing bag; buy a coat with a hood (umbrellas and prams don’t mix); buy Annabel Karmel’s book for weaning; always take spare clothes on trips out; oh and get used to mess.

Jane and Benjamin

Name: Jane
Child: Benjamin, 2
Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I was 33 when I got pregnant and we'd been married for 10 years by the time Benjamin was born. We'd lived a life, I'd had a career of sorts and we were ready for a family.

I'd never really wanted children, I suppose partly because I suspected I wouldn't be able to have any and partly because I could never imagine myself holding a baby; my baby in my arms. Then my brother and his wife got pregnant and Matthew my husband suggested we try, so we did and five months later I was pregnant. It was a massive shock to both of us but we were ecstatic.

I felt quite rough during the first trimester. No sickness but just a dreadful exhaustion. I'd go to work then come home and go straight to bed. I had a grim sense of foreboding about what was to come and was very protective of the growing life inside me.

When I was 16 weeks some routine blood tests came back which showed I had a genetic blood disorder, we were sent for further tests and genetic counselling and told that there was a one in four chance of the baby dying at birth. I knew then that the rest of the pregnancy would be a battle. 

By this time I'd started to attend pregnancy yoga classes which were fantastic at calming me down - looking back I was tremendously anxious about the health of my baby.

I was monitored very closely by the hospital which was in some ways comforting, but it did nothing to reduce my stress levels. I read all the NICE guidelines on my condition and took great joy in annoying the Doctors by quoting these guidelines to them when they tried to push me to do things (that were beyond the scope of the guidelines). The Doctors would say terrifying things about the high risk of Benjamin dying, but in hindsight I suspect they were said just to get me to toe the line. I was firm that I knew what was best for us both and I was right.

I eventually agreed to be induced at 38 weeks. I'd been incredibly private and protective of my pregnancy and not even my family knew the full extent of the problems I was dealing with or that I was going into hospital. I didn't need the stress of them all fretting and pacing hospital corridors.

Here is an edited version of something a wrote after the birth:

I was induced on the Wednesday morning, the midwives said they'd probably need a few goes at getting it going but true to form I proved them wrong. On the Wednesday night I stood up and my waters broke. I was on a busy but excellent antenatal ward, but lucky enough to have my own room. The midwives on duty were brilliant and monitored me closely. The delivery unit was full to bursting so they kept me there until 10am on Thursday with gas and air to keep me company.

Matthew arrived just as they were transferring me, he was pale and terrified. The next 24 hours are (thankfully) something of a blur. I was closely monitored and not allowed to get off the bed to move around which made the pain harder to deal with. I managed on gas and air until about 4pm and I asked for pethadine. 

At around 7pm I relented and asked for an epidural. The next four hours were a special form of hell. During that time four anaesthetists tried to get the needle in, my vertebrae are close together and there wasn't much room for the needle. I spent four hours in real agony while they poked at my spine with needles and at around 11.30pm they finally got it in and I could rest. By this time I knew something wasn't right but no one would listen to me.

At around 4am Friday I was fully dilated and was asked to push, this seemed to go on for hours and at times there were five or six worried faces at the bottom of the bed. His heart rate and mine kept dropping and they kept doing blood tests and looking concerned. Sometime around 7.30am they suggested we go to theatre and try forceps. So they wheeled us off.

Forceps were tried but he just got firmly wedged, it turned out he was back to back and probably never would have come out naturally. Why they didn't know this I'll never know.

I was prepped for a Caesarian section, by this point I would have agreed to anything just to get him out safely. He was pushed back up the birth canal and removed via the sunroof (and not the cat flap). It's a strange and unnatural feeling having a baby pushed back up having spend hours pushing him down.
He was born at 9.15am, 8lbs 15oz of gorgeousness. He was silent but, "It's a boy!" went around the theatre and Matthew and I turned to each other and said, "We've got a Benjamin". We didn't know what we were having but were delighted with what we've got. It took him a few minutes to pipe up but it was a lethargic cry. Matthew cut the cord and he was brought over to be admired. I loved him instantly but it felt like part of a really strange dream.

Reality of motherhood: On arrival Benjamin was beautiful and just wanted to be cuddled, he was lethargic and didn't really want to feed. He wasn't interested in the breast, there was no milk to be had and the midwives were too busy to help, so he ended up being bottle fed. 

He was being closely monitored by the paediatric team who discovered what they thought might be the signs of a worrying and rare hormone imbalance, they insisted we stay in until a full diagnosis could be made. I was moved from a busy ward to a side room and we fell into a routine of daily tests and consultations on Benjamin's health. I was almost at breaking point.

Until they knew what was wrong with him he was subjected to oral doses of saline solution which made him throw up and made his symptoms appear worse to the medical staff. The worst moment was a stress test which was so traumatic neither Matthew nor I can speak of it without crying. I would physically fight anyone who wanted to do that to my child again.

After a week of tests and trauma we were allowed home. He was clear of any health problems and there was no need to worry. We were incredibly relieved but angry at what we'd all been put through.

Taking your child home for the first time: I think all parents have the same experience. You bundle your baby up in their car seat and drive home at 4mph, that was about the same for us.

I think for Matthew and I we'd spent a week thinking Benjamin was gravely ill and he'd been through enough in his first seven days, so we were perhaps more protective of him than we needed to be. But once declared fit we were almost bundled off the ward, so at 7pm in a cold November evening we went home at 4mph.

I was exhausted and Matthew had only really seen him during visiting hours so he took over. Benjamin settled in and we settled into a routine. I did days, Matthew did nights. I say routine but he fed on demand, which turned out to be about every three hours and things just fit in around that.

Benjamin was always really laid back. He slept through at 6 weeks and he'd sleep for 12 hours a night. The trade off was he'd only cat nap for 10 minutes a day which was tiring. He was jolly and smiley and loved to cuddle. We adored him.

We've always followed his lead, he seems to indicate when he's ready for the next step, like stopping the bottle and having a sippy cup or moving to his own room. I think us not forcing him to conform to expected ideas in terms of development has made him more relaxed. Why force a child who isn't ready to do something just because a book or a health visitor says so. It's worked for us and he's happier for it.

Due to the stress during pregnancy, the traumatic birth and his first stressful week I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD. Looking back I certainly spent his first 18 months in a high state of anxiety and had frequent flashbacks to some of the more distressing moments. I don't think he was affected by it but I was definitely more protective of him around others, especially medical people.

The best/worst advice: The worst advice I was given was "sleep when your baby sleeps". Who does that? In over two years I've maybe managed it 3 times if I've been ill and it's really only in the past year or so he's napped during the day.

If your baby goes to sleep then it's a quick tidy, clean, cook something, grab a shower, have a drink, eat something. It's never put your feet up and nod off. If you do manage it then well done but I've not met a mum yet that did.

The best advice was "try baby led weaning". One of the first things we did when I was pregnant was buy a food processor for mushing everything up, but really who has the time? My sister in law suggested we try it, what a revelation. If your child is snatching real food off your plate and eating it why are you mashing food for him? 

All we did was stop salting food and cut down on the spice a bit. I think we probably did eat more pasta with pesto that first year, but that stuff is like cat nip for kids. He's a really unfussy eater these days and will try anything. He loves fish and his favourite is smoked trout pâté. Why limit your childs' palate to fish fingers, such a shame when there are such culinary delights to be had.

The hardest part of being a mother: No one tells you that you'll be ill all the time. When I went back to work and he went to nursery I was solidly ill for about 5 months because he'd just rub his germs on me. I was exhausted and struggling cope with undiagnosed PTSD.

I've had a bit of a catalogue of misfortune since he arrived, which culminated in spinal surgery in February (long story short, I had an accident in November 2012 which left me at risk of paralysis). Matthew has been outstanding and looked after us both. He's an amazing man and it hasn't been easy or him.

I think in Benjamin's little life it's been most hard for me to watch him grow and change while I've been stuck on the sofa in a codeine haze. I miss running round the park with him, picking him up and swinging him round, bathing him and putting him to bed. I miss being the proper hands on mum I once was. I hope that he's too young to remember this time and that I won't always be like this.

The best part of being a mother: This is such a hard question because I love everything about him and being a mum. But...

Motherhood is a joy. Benjamin is an amazing little chap. He's bright, charming, sensitive and so loving and caring. The best thing is he's so bloody funny. He's got a really great sense of humour which I think will be an asset to him.

I love spending time with him. He's independent enough to be able to entertain himself for hours but we love doing jigsaws, playing with his train sets, reading book after book, after book. Obviously I wish I could do more with him but it is what it is.

I love it when it's just the two of us and we snuggle under a blanket and watch In the Night Garden together and read. He loves Hairy Maclary and laughs his socks off when I make all the dog and cat noises. I'm really uninhibited when I'm with him which I love as I'm not as confident as I used to be.

I am really enjoying him at the moment, he's a real character and he's made giant leaps with this speech recently. I love chatting away to him about the world and what he can see in it. His love for choo-choo trains, cars and doggies. I love how he lists his favourite people and counts as he goes up the stairs. Each day is a new discovery and an exciting lesson in the world around him.

Honestly, there is no feeling more wonderful to me than being given an enormous cuddle and a snotty kiss by Benjamin.

Hopes for your family: For Benjamin, I hope he grows up to be his own man, not to run with the pack but to stand firm in his own convictions. I want him to be happy in whatever he does. If he carries on being funny, kind and considerate then I'll be pleased with that.

I'd love him to have great taste in music, early indications are good with early preferences for The Wonder Stuff and The Charlatans. I played lots of Faith No More and Rage Against the Machine when I was pregnant and he likes to dance to them too, though we are more selective with the swearier songs.

Matthew takes him to toddler football and I suspect he harbours dreams of him holding the FA Cup aloft in glorious triumph.

My hopes for me and Matthew are that we come out of this run of my bad luck soon and that I can return to a more normal life. Its been bloody hard work for him and stressful too. He's a brilliant husband and father. I know how lucky we are to have him.

Long term I don't know what I hope for, I'm currently off sick from my job in the NHS. I don't know when I'll be fit to return to work, if ever. Large parts of my life are effectively on hold.

We did want to have another baby but we think that is probably not possible now which is a shame. We are so lucky to have Benjamin, he is a blessing and worth every minute of pain and anxiety we went through to get him.

Every time I think of Benjamin my heart fills so completely with love for him, it's an amazing feeling. I hope one day he'll have a baby and realise just how much we adore him. I hope that life doesn't stamp all over him and his dreams.

Advice for new and expectant mothers: Firstly get yourself to pregnancy yoga, it was brilliant at keeping me calm during the birth and I still use some techniques now if I need to calm things down a bit.

Look after your back. You only get one spine, mine is effectively ruined now. Be kind to your body.

Other mums can be awful, so find ones you actually like. I went to an awful, cliquey playgroup for six horrible months because I thought I should. They went out of their way to make me feel excluded, I found another play group who are wonderful. Shop around and find groups you like.

Do it your own way, you know yourself and your child best, don't bow to pressure from other people if you think it's the wrong thing to do.

We've tried to be true to ourselves and be pretty laid back parents, encouraging in all the right places, cracking down on anything dodgy like not sharing, throwing his food, biting etc.

We said from the moment he started walking that someone wouldn't always be there to pick him up later in in life, so now if he falls he picks himself up, if he hurts himself then we will be there for him.

For a time it was hard to watch him fall and we had to sit on our hands, but stoic little chap that he is, most of the time he picks himself up, dusts himself down and he's off running. Lots of people tell us "look, he's fallen down" thinking we've not seen it, but we have. They probably think we're terrible but he's not hurt, he's fine. He knows how to solve his problems and that we'll be there if he gets stuck. Isn't that what every parent wants for their child.